Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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