so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
