i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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