i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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