Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
