dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
