someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He passed out mid-signature
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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