good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
