so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
