Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
