i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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