Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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