High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
