Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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