Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
