Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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