? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Oh god it's open bar.
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