I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
