My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
