I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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