I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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