I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
