I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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