haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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