Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
