If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
