Someone shit on the floor
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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