When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
