OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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