Too much gin, very little bucket
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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