I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
sarcasm needs its own font
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
