I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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