i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize