I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
