She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
