Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
