im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
