remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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