I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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