need another drink. this is the easiest way
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is it because I queefed?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
