Did you just see the Batmobile???
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
