Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
