Can i not drive my cunt home
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize