My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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