My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Rumble strips road head = magical
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
