She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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