I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Randomize
