Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
