I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I will be naked everywhere
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
