Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
