Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
