im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
