I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
