I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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