The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
