i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
