jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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