I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I can't turn off my feet"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
