I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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