guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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