just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
