I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
